Love Actually

Vancouver,

I had never experienced such awful heartache until today.

I miss you so much.

I miss the clean air, the deep blue sky, and the gorgeous green grass.

I miss your simplistic highways, your unbearable traffic, and the safety your streets possess.

I miss your inhabitants, for they have given me more than I will ever be able to repay. They have made me feel lucky, well-taken care of, and loved. They inspire me every day to be a better person, and to pursue the dream of success I sometimes am too lazy to achieve.

Thank you for all you have given me. Thank you for what I know you will give me the next time and every other time I visit. You are so beautiful, both inside and out, and you have nurtured the most wonderful of human beings to my hearts content. I am eternally grateful.

Love,

-Aly

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Sometimes,

When you have A Plan,

Everything seems a little less stressful.

And Then You Can Breathe.

There's No Love Like a Mother's

Wow. Karma is a bitch.

The last time I wrote a blog on here, I was a bitchy teenager who was writing hurtful shit about a person who means so much in her life. I'm sorry for the things I said, mom, because I love you so so much. I used to think that I could live my life without you, since you have constantly told me how you thought you were going to one day suddenly die of a heart attack from all of the stress you're under, but now that I think about it, I really don't want that to happen. As I write this and think about what I said and what I'm currently feeling, tears well up in my eyes, and I have difficulty swallowing. Mommy, you mean the world to me, and if you were permanently exempt from my life- great, the tears are coming again- I don't know who I would turn to for advice on what outfit I should wear, or help zipping up my homecoming dress, or advice in general on how to overcome the teenage-esque obstacles I venture through every day in my life. Right now, I can hear sounds from the television coming from your room that's right next to mine, and I feel so comforted. True, you're probably asleep, since you are usually passed out in five minutes flat once you've climbed into bed, but you're a solace to my heavy heart nonetheless.

I love you.

The Crappiest Summer of My Life

Why do I have to be the way I am? Why is my mom so dysfunctional? I mean, I'm aware that she loves me, I have no doubt in my mind about that, but then she absolutely kills me at other times in my life. SHE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I think about it, no joke.

And you know what- a huge part of that is purely my fault. I mean, when my mom held her baby girl in her hands for the first time, she looked into my huge brown eyes and imagined a future where I would enjoy shopping, where I like to wear clothes that are "in," where I always maintain the perfect figure, where acne does not take over my face, where I am a straight-A student who is so responsible and such a blessing to have in the house, where I am the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect grand-daughter, etc. But she didn't get that, because that's not me, and therefore I can understand why she goes so crazy sometimes.

But I'm sorry- for as long as I can remember, I have always remembered my mom as the one who is screaming her head off around the house. The only reason that doesn't happen as frequently as it did before is because she's almost fifty now- she's tired of doing that, she doesn't have the energy anymore. I remember being six years old and staying at my nine year-old cousin's house in Los Angeles, watching her mom dance around the house, with a smile and laughter always gracing her features, and always looking at her husband adoringly. Eleven years later, and she hasn't changed one bit. I always remember looking at them and feeling such a huge amount of envy. I mean, I wouldn't trade my dad, who is her brother, for the world, but my mom... I couldn't understand why she couldn't be as happy as my aunt was. Why she couldn't live life with less restrictions, with more selfishness for her well being. My house was always spotless, all of our clothes were always washed, dried, ironed, and put in our drawers neatly, and there was always a hot meal on the table. These things are so wonderful to have in life, especially for a child, but I would trade it all for a more happy mother. I mean, I can't even begin to tell how high-pitched, red-faced, glass-breaking terrifying and scarring her screaming has been in my life. How many times my mom has threatened my dad with divorce, and how many times I have just wished for that to happen. I mean, whatever will make my mom happier, right? I remember when I was eleven, I read this interview Britney Spears did, and how when her parents got divorced, she didn't feel sad- she felt relieved. I think that would happen to me if my parents divorced. My heart would break for my dad, since he loves my mother and would live such a difficult life without her- but if it would make my mother happy, then I guess I'm all for it. I'm almost eighteen anyways, so I would be able to help my dad if that ever happened. I would be there for him, it wouldn't be a problem.

Great, now I'm crying.

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It is so easy to be mad at the world.

The Boring Ramblings of a Boring Person

Today I thought a lot about popularity.

A girl in my school, one that I was partners with in my English class for two weeks, has landed a wonderful opportunity as one of five girls who will go on tour with Justin Bieber and perform together in the opening act of his concert. I just found out today from a friend.

My friend however, acted almost disgusted by this girl. She confounded me because she mentioned this girl's name, opened up the girl's official webpage on the internet, made me listen to one of the girl's hit songs, and yet relayed all of this information to me in an unsatisfactory tone.

I think my friend is jealous.

But yet, I really have no shame myself in envying this increasingly famous and obviously talented girl. This girl is seventeen years old, and she's on tour with Justin Bieber, opening the concerts for him. She has achieved so much in her short lifespan, and also knows what she wants to do with her life. She found what she was good at, and went all the way in, until she got somewhere in the business. I greatly envy this sense of accomplishment she gets to hang over her shoulder wherever she goes.

Not only that, but this girl is beautiful. She has a gorgeous body, flawless skin, and an incredible, pearly-white smile. I lack every quality, and I can not deny my jealousy for such traits.

I wish I knew what to do with my life. I am screwed for college, let alone university- I already mentioned that in yesterday's blog. I don't know what to do, but I know I want money. Lots and lots of money. It would solve SO many problems; it's unbelievable.

I need to prioritize. But how can I do that, when I have no idea where to start?

I need to stop giving excuses. If I don't know where to start, then I need to find someone who can help me. If I don't want to do that, then I need to say that my original excuse is crap, and that I can start solving my problems by getting professional advice through books or the internet (the latter of the two is so much easier, but not as trustworthy as its competitor).

I was just mean to my brother. Great. Now I'm a horrible person, too. Kind of.

Sometimes We All Just Need a Good Cry

So in the past ten seconds, these three thoughts came to mind (in chronological order, of course):

1. I have SO much to say, but have no clue where to begin.
2. Scratch that. So much of what I have to say is shit. So many of my thoughts are pessimistic, self-absorbed, nonsensical, and stupid.
3. And now I feel bad for saying all of that. Grr.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my past. I guess that's what people who are unsatisfied with their life do.

I've been thinking about how in eighth grade, I graduated from Rosemont Middle School as an honors student, with straight A's, excellent citizenship, numerous awards in math and English, awarded as the best poet in my class of 1,200. I had moved from Seattle three years prior to that, and had almost adjusted to the new lifestyle. My parents were proud, my brother was little, and I was skinny and happy.

Three years later, my world has completely changed. I got straight A's in ninth grade, but in tenth grade I got numerous B's and and C. This year received two C's and numerous B's as well. I flunked my AP tests. I am a failure in so many ways, and yet not a single friend or family member knows. I guess you could say if there's one thing I am good at, it would be keeping this information from them. At least, until my actions will come to bite me scathingly in the butt. And that day will come frightfully soon.

I'm also a little overweight. I used to be so skinny and lovely; my mom, aunts, and (female) cousins would always compliment me on having such a beautiful, slim body, and my friends would voice their envy to me as well. I was never arrogant about my body, but I took the compliments for granted. I didn't realize how the tables would turn in such a short amount of time. Now I'm the girl who's complimenting others, envying the slim, healthy bodies of my girl friends, hating myself for not being able to whip myself into shape again. It angers me, it depresses me... But then the pain numbs, and for a fleeting second, I realize that I don't care what people think of my body, nor what I think of anybody else's. This numbness ebbs away quite quickly however, and I'm back at square one, an angry bitch- angry at the world, angry at herself... It's a cycle, I guess. And it sickens me.

I'm not an honors student anymore.

Today my AP Enlgish Language exam result came in the mail. I got a 2. I failed. Well, I got a 1 last year on my AP Biology exam, so I guess you could say this is one tiny iota better. Nonetheless, this prime number has further sealed any chances of heading straight to a four-year university. Fuck. I hate myself.

It's so easy to be mad at yourself. It's also incredibly easy to get mad at others. To blame others for your mistakes, and to not accept that you are completely and solely responsible for what has happened in your life. I do that a lot. It's soothing, in a disgusting sort of way.

I just wish I could start over again. In a different city, or a different state. Hell, I wouldn't even mind starting in a different continent! A fresh start is such a desirable thing.

"There's Nothing I Can Say. Nothing I Can Do Now."

I'm having one of those days.

One of those days where I'm so lazy, progress in my life seems like an impeccable dream.

I need to get motivated! I have a lot to do. But I'm just not feeling it. The tasks that need to be completed are unappealing.

"There's nothing I can say. Nothing I can do now."

That's from The Killers, one of my favorite bands ever. Go listen to their single "Goodnight, Travel Well." But you'll only enjoy it if you are in the right mood (hint: being in a happy-go-lucky mood is not the correct demeanor to be in).

Have a good day. And wish me good luck.

-Alina :(

A Long Time Coming

"Don't want no paper gangster. Won't sign away my life to someone who's got the flavor but don't have no follow through."

Yes, the above comment confirms the inevitable. I, Alina Sarkissian, have officially become a Lady Gaga fanatic.

I don't know when the conversion happen. Can't recall what triggered it. But it's done. I officially think she is not only unimaginably unique, but an artistic genius and one of the hardest and most devoted individuals I have ever come across in my short lifespan.

By the way, the quote above was from her single "Paper Gangster." You should go listen to it. Suspend your disbelief, and enjoy a catchy pop mix for a change!

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So anyways... what's happened recently in my life, you ask? Well, whether you wanted to know or not, I'll tell you: not much. But I can't complain. Just because I live in a less-than-thrilling community and the most exciting part of my day is finding out what's for dinner doesn't mean I have it bad at all. In fact, I consider myself incredibly lucky. I currently have the privilege of having a solid backbone that consists of family, health, safety, and love, and will use this support to propel myself to achieve my dreams. I want to contribute to this world, and it's incredible that I'm situated in an opportunity to do so.

In addition, my optimistic perceptive might be surprising to those of you who have surmounted to reading my previous blogs. Generally, the past has personally consisted of two bipolar personalities: a smiling girl from the outside, and an angry, frustrated, self-absorbed adolescent internally. Although I admittedly believe I am still self-absorbed (greed is a human frailty people, look it up), this year has been good to me, and my demeanor has changed indefinitely (I hope). The glass is looking more half-full than half-empty nowadays, and I think my recent appreciation and love for my youth has contributed to this revelation.

It rained all through the night and into the morning, and the fog has at last cleared up. California has never looked more beautiful.

"And we'll still have the summer after all..."

-Aly <3