Love Actually

Vancouver,

I had never experienced such awful heartache until today.

I miss you so much.

I miss the clean air, the deep blue sky, and the gorgeous green grass.

I miss your simplistic highways, your unbearable traffic, and the safety your streets possess.

I miss your inhabitants, for they have given me more than I will ever be able to repay. They have made me feel lucky, well-taken care of, and loved. They inspire me every day to be a better person, and to pursue the dream of success I sometimes am too lazy to achieve.

Thank you for all you have given me. Thank you for what I know you will give me the next time and every other time I visit. You are so beautiful, both inside and out, and you have nurtured the most wonderful of human beings to my hearts content. I am eternally grateful.

Love,

-Aly

[Untitled 2]

Sometimes,

When you have A Plan,

Everything seems a little less stressful.

And Then You Can Breathe.

There's No Love Like a Mother's

Wow. Karma is a bitch.

The last time I wrote a blog on here, I was a bitchy teenager who was writing hurtful shit about a person who means so much in her life. I'm sorry for the things I said, mom, because I love you so so much. I used to think that I could live my life without you, since you have constantly told me how you thought you were going to one day suddenly die of a heart attack from all of the stress you're under, but now that I think about it, I really don't want that to happen. As I write this and think about what I said and what I'm currently feeling, tears well up in my eyes, and I have difficulty swallowing. Mommy, you mean the world to me, and if you were permanently exempt from my life- great, the tears are coming again- I don't know who I would turn to for advice on what outfit I should wear, or help zipping up my homecoming dress, or advice in general on how to overcome the teenage-esque obstacles I venture through every day in my life. Right now, I can hear sounds from the television coming from your room that's right next to mine, and I feel so comforted. True, you're probably asleep, since you are usually passed out in five minutes flat once you've climbed into bed, but you're a solace to my heavy heart nonetheless.

I love you.

The Crappiest Summer of My Life

Why do I have to be the way I am? Why is my mom so dysfunctional? I mean, I'm aware that she loves me, I have no doubt in my mind about that, but then she absolutely kills me at other times in my life. SHE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I think about it, no joke.

And you know what- a huge part of that is purely my fault. I mean, when my mom held her baby girl in her hands for the first time, she looked into my huge brown eyes and imagined a future where I would enjoy shopping, where I like to wear clothes that are "in," where I always maintain the perfect figure, where acne does not take over my face, where I am a straight-A student who is so responsible and such a blessing to have in the house, where I am the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect grand-daughter, etc. But she didn't get that, because that's not me, and therefore I can understand why she goes so crazy sometimes.

But I'm sorry- for as long as I can remember, I have always remembered my mom as the one who is screaming her head off around the house. The only reason that doesn't happen as frequently as it did before is because she's almost fifty now- she's tired of doing that, she doesn't have the energy anymore. I remember being six years old and staying at my nine year-old cousin's house in Los Angeles, watching her mom dance around the house, with a smile and laughter always gracing her features, and always looking at her husband adoringly. Eleven years later, and she hasn't changed one bit. I always remember looking at them and feeling such a huge amount of envy. I mean, I wouldn't trade my dad, who is her brother, for the world, but my mom... I couldn't understand why she couldn't be as happy as my aunt was. Why she couldn't live life with less restrictions, with more selfishness for her well being. My house was always spotless, all of our clothes were always washed, dried, ironed, and put in our drawers neatly, and there was always a hot meal on the table. These things are so wonderful to have in life, especially for a child, but I would trade it all for a more happy mother. I mean, I can't even begin to tell how high-pitched, red-faced, glass-breaking terrifying and scarring her screaming has been in my life. How many times my mom has threatened my dad with divorce, and how many times I have just wished for that to happen. I mean, whatever will make my mom happier, right? I remember when I was eleven, I read this interview Britney Spears did, and how when her parents got divorced, she didn't feel sad- she felt relieved. I think that would happen to me if my parents divorced. My heart would break for my dad, since he loves my mother and would live such a difficult life without her- but if it would make my mother happy, then I guess I'm all for it. I'm almost eighteen anyways, so I would be able to help my dad if that ever happened. I would be there for him, it wouldn't be a problem.

Great, now I'm crying.