Monday, November 30, 2009

Confusing Day

***WARNING: Crude language is used in the entry below. This may not bother many of you, but I wanted to say that so as not to offend anyone.***

Today was the first day back from Thanksgiving break. I thought it was going to be a horrible day, but it could have been so much worse.

I've always said that the worst feeling I experience on a day to day basis is the one that envelops me the moment my eyes open from the buzzing of my alarm clock. It's depressing, having to get ready to go somewhere that just adds stress to my life.

The day went pretty well, I can't complain. But now it's the evening, and I'm procrastinating again, and it's depressing me. I did my math, spanish, and AP Lit homework, yay. :) I have no cinema homework. But I have a lot to do still for my EMR class, I have to learn blood pressure all in one night. It makes me realize that I shouldn't be sitting here, typing this, but that I should be practicing how to take blood pressure.

SHAIDA. That's what's making my life a little depressing right now. I'm so bipolar towards her, I hate myself for it. She's funny, she's nice, she's smart when she wants to be. But she's also UBER lazy, and her hair is usually greasy and her teeth have plaque in it a lot, and that grosses me out. Plus, she practically wears the same clothing every day. It's kinda gross to me, since I'm much more of a hygiene freak than she currently is.

Plus, she didn't go to the study sessions for EMR, she just played on her Twitter account while I worked my ass off. And she's still in the same boat as me, which is unfair. Why does she get to be in the same boat as me, when she's done half the work as me?!! She doesn't DESERVE to be in my boat, my boat was so hard to get into, she can't just slip into it easily.

I'll try to deny it, but I think that deep down, I hope something happens to her in EMR. Not an injury or anything. But that she's yelled at for not going to the study sessions and getting some testing done like I did. I hope I don't get yelled at. I don't deserve it as much as she does, damn right. But I would be okay with getting yelled at a little bit if she got yelled at a lot. It would make me feel better, better about myself, and that I was smart. I would like that. It's horrible.

Moby Dick is a dick. I read tonight's reading assignment for AP Lit because it was only 7 pages long- a miracle. The book is sort of interesting, but why does fucking Melville have to be so intelligent? Why does he have to write SO deeply, so wisely, it's fucking annoying. It's killing my grade, because I'm a lazy ass. But I'm not smart, so I don't know what to think about the situation.

I have EMR testing tomorrow, for blood pressure. I think. I HOPE I DON'T. But there's a solid chance I might be. I have no clue. But Shaida will get tested too, and if no one scolds her for not passing any of the tests, then life is not fucking fair.

I enjoy writing this blog. It really gets things off of my chest. It makes me feel more at ease. The responsibilities I have still haunt me as I write this, but I feel like I can breathe again when I'm typing this up. It's nice.

I need to raise my grades. I need to fucking raise my grades.

I like using the word "fucking" in my writing. I've never sworn out loud before in my life, and I don't plan to for a good long while, because I take a lot of pride in that fact, but using it while I write this blog is nice. It makes me sound more mature? People may have controversial views on that.

I'm going to go do some English homework that's due on Thursday. If I can do that, that'd be nice. I'll feel better about myself. I'll feel productive. Another weight will be taken off of my chest. That's a wonderful thought.

After that I'll do my EMR notebook while listening to music. I MUST DO THE NOTEBOOK. Come on, me. I've got to do it. FINISH IT TONIGHT. That'll be great if I can; WHEN I DO IT.

If I can do that, things are looking up.

-Alina

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