Feeling Better

Today has been quite interesting, to say the least. It has been a mix of good and bad moments, and it definitely was unique day in a sense.

I woke up late. Got through history and physio. Managed to talk to the popular girl in physio, and I think she likes me. :) I'm trying to become friends with popular people you see, so that I will become more likeable and "cool." I really don't know how that's working out, but I think there has been definite improvement compared to my social status in the past years... exactly how large that level of improvement has been is debateable, however.

Snack came. It was Dance for a Cure, an awkward experience. Cinema class came. I was ridiculed by a stupid bozo who will never get far in life for a good forty minutes... I mean, he was making fun of me while I was doing all the editing for our film, which I wrote the script and I storyboarded for, how senseless can he get... he doesn't even know how to spell purse (he asked me yesterday how to spell the word). Frankly, I wasn't going to take that crap from anybody, I didn't deserve it one bit, so I came in at lunch, spoke to my Cinema teacher, and now he's getting a "Fail" for the project.

Honestly, the experience has left me feeling both degraded and empowered. I stood up for myself quickly after he started teasing me, and now he's going to suffer the consequences of his bullying through a sophisticated procedure, but his words still hurt. They sting and are forming a tiny scar in my mind, but I will not allow it to stay there. Some people say that words can be more destructive, hurtful, and upsetting than physical abuse, and they are so true.

I practically fell asleep in spanish and sufferred a cruel and depressing math test in Algebra 2. My friend called me afterschool and told me she's been cutting herself. She claimed she hadn't told anyone, and although we weren't the best of friends, she felt she could trust me. And she's absolutely right. I am the type of person that you could hurl the most shocking or unimaginable news towards and would not breakdown at the mention of it. My persona has always been crazy, awkward, weird, and occasionally amusing on a daily basis, but I switch to the most mature, collected, sophisticated, and logical individual in the room the moment something goes wrong (well, if it were a natural disaster, something I truly am terrified of and hope endlessly to never endure). So when she told me that, I spoke to her for almost an hour about it, learning that she hadn't done anything drastic or caused permanent or life-threatening harm, and that she thought that was okay. However, the moment we hung up, I called my father and spoke to him about it, and if the situation gets worse, I plan to immediately call my aunt, a family therapist, and follow that step with a trip to my school's counseling office, since they'll need to know what's going on.

I'm tired. I'm a procrastinator. I'm lazy. I feel like a failure at times, but not often. I love my family. I love my little brother. I love my parents. I love Canada. When I look at pictures of Seattle, my original dwelling, my heart aches. Seeing the crystal clear sky, bright blue and spotted with glorious white clouds, a striking contrast to the luscious, beautiful green grass and trees underneath it, I feel overwhelmed, and I feel the need to cry. I become speechless, and it seems my heart has leapt to my throat, since it misses the city so much. It's almost like I can sense the cool, refreshing wind spread over my cheeks, creating a familiar rose color onto my soft skin, and I have the urge to take a deep breath in and devour the pure, clean air that rushes into my lungs and brings life to me. The air there is like a cleansing, healthy drug of its own, one that helps me get high off of life. It's the most natural drug in the world, and its soul is beyond a description the human language could ever muster up. The feeling makes the hard lines of my lips, cemented into a stern line, crack and change into a smile, for it's impossible not to. Lastly, a single picture of Seattle brings back the memories of my past there, the days I spent in my hometown that were so joyful and perfect, the only explanation for the existence of such a place is that it must have come from a different world.

I miss it dearly.

-Alina